Mania Tastes Better With Coffee
By: Alexa Hohler
Alexa Hohler is a student from Independence Community College. She is studying English and hopes to pursue her career further.
11/04/2015
To my dearest, Dillan.
You sat beneath the shadow of a weeping willow tree, reading a love story. There you sat every day and read upon hours, even when the weather wasn’t as beautiful as you were. I never understood why you liked books so much. But I think I can understand now. You could submerge yourself in those books. There you could get lost in them. I would always catch you reading there every day after my shift. I would find myself wanting night shifts every night just to see you sitting under the tree. Although, night shifts were not my favorite, the buildings would loom over us. I felt almost caged in at the shop. You would always be grasping a book as if it meant everything to you. And I also too found myself wanting to grasp the same book.
I never saw anyone approach you. I always wondered, was it because you were so beautiful that people feared you? Or if it was because you didn’t wear shoes? You would always appear out of seemingly nowhere, like a quiet feather in the wind. Sometimes I would sit at work, waiting for you to get up and walk away. But you never did, and when I grew tired, I would peer away. But when I glance back a few minutes later, you would disappear. I wouldn’t see you until my next shift.
Your hair was a honey blonde and would never grow out too long. In fact, it never changed for the months I have known you. I would always see green, almost haunted, eyes peering towards me through rounded glasses. On the day I finally had the courage to talk to you, I found myself at a loss for words. You were hunched over your knees, shoulders shuddering frequently. You were crying. Why were you crying? I still find myself asking that every day. I slowly sat beside you, my breath coming out in puffs of clouds. I waited for the sobbing noises to slow down. Eventually the shuddering from your body ceased to a small shiver.
“How long are you going to sit there and listen to me whine?”
I found myself shocked at those words. How could such fierce words come out of a small and pure girl? You sat like a porcelain doll under that tree, your lips pursed in curiosity. You were never talking to anyone, you just sat like the quiet kid in school, never uttering a word to a passing bystander.
“I’m sorry. I-I just saw you crying and thought you needed someone, that’s all. You don’t need to tell me what’s wrong.” I said casually.
“I don’t even know you. Isn’t it weird to approach a girl so late at night? People might think you are a criminal.”
“Tell me your name then. Maybe we can become friends. You seem pretty cool.”
A few minutes passed after I said that. I thought I angered you and was about to leave out of embarrassment when you finally responded.
“I suppose that could work. What is your name then?”
“My name is Sage.” I say, casting a smile towards you.
You took a second to respond. “My name is Dillan.” You wiped your nose with your sleeve, forcing a small smile on your pale face.
I never forgot what happened after that day.
———————————————————————
Do you still remember that day when that snake appeared? You were scared it was going to bite you, even though it was just a harmless garden snake. Its long and skinny body was printed with dark brown stripes. Its tongue would slither out every other second. I had just gotten off work, the sun slowly setting, creating a light dust on the benches. Cars slowly drove past, seemingly to also be in trance from the sun. When I approached you, you were slinking back towards the tree. You were cowering behind a long tree branched that had leaves withering off its end. Your legs kicked up dirt towards the snake.
“Help Sage! It’s gonna bite me.” You yelled with a grimace covering your face. You could have easily gotten up and escaped the foul beast. But I had to come to your aid instead.
I simply laughed and tried scooting the snake away. My foot must have twitched, because it slammed onto the ground in a swift movement. I was met with a loud crunching sound. As if a wolf was gnawing on its preys’ bones. I slowly lifted my shoe, where I saw the mess. I must have killed the poor thing. Its head was bleeding profusely. It struggled on the ground before the moving ceased.
“I am so sorry you had to see that Dillan. I swear I didn’t mean to kill it.” I said to you, slowly lifting my head to see your expression.
Your face showed no signs of emotion, your eyes were completely empty as you sat staring. Why was it, at that specific moment, you looked almost fake? Like a doll hanging on a shelf, peering through the shops window. I was the girl staring memorably, tugging at my moms’ sleeve to buy you.
Weirdly, your reaction didn’t surprise me that much. Believe it or not, my reaction to the murdering was blatant, like yours. After all, it was just a snake. It was nothing more than another life force, ripped away from nature.
I gauged your face for a few more seconds before you became lively again. Almost like an animated cartoon, waking up from a deep slumber.
“It’s okay, I know it was an accident. Things happen all the time. Don’t worry about it.” You said, rising to your feet. You dusted the dirt off your skirt.
We sat in silence for what seemed to be a few minutes. We stood, staring at the carcass of my fresh kill. It was almost like we were mourning the snake. Although it hardly needed anymore honor brought to it. It was already dead. We both knew we couldn’t change that.
Dillan, you remember that day, right?
02/07/15
Dillan, I thought your life must be similar to a fairy tale. Maybe your life was like a children’s book. And I see myself wishing I were also a part of that story. But I know I would just end up as a background character. Just like a face in a crowd. I was in a differently reality then you were. You could be the star of the movie. Young misunderstood women, just looking to get past the hardship of life. And I was just me, Sage. 19-year-old boy trapped in a body that doesn’t feel like mine. Tall and lanky boys didn’t seem like your type. Normal boys don’t think the way I do. Peering at the tree, imagining what a life would be like with you. Me driving you home late at nights. Sharing a meal with your parents. Getting to see all of your baby pictures that would make you embarrassed to face me again. The future is all I thought about now. Get a job, help my mother, live long enough to see Layla graduate. That’s all I needed in life, before I met you.
You appeared when I needed you the most. You were a blessing. So much of one, I told my mom about you. I will be honest; she was very surprised at first. But I could tell she was happy for me. Her eyes sparkled. I haven’t seen that look in her eyes since my dad left.
“Really Sage? Wow, you getting a friend? Never thought I would see the before I passed. But at least I don’t have to hear all of your weird movie ideas. She can share the burden.” She said to me, chuckling slightly. She scooped a handful of pasta and plopped it on my plate.
“Thank you, mom. I feel like we could be great friends if we hung out more.” I said scooping a handful of spaghetti and shoving it in my mouth. I was starving after my long shift. “I only see her after my shifts.”
“Sage has got a girlfriend mommy! Can she come over please? Does she like animals? We can play rescue the puppy!” Layla was shouting, tossing chunks of meat out of her mouth.
“Layla, what did I say about talking with your mouth full.” Mom said, reaching over to grab a napkin. “But that does sound like a good idea. Maybe we should invite her over someday. I can make my brownies for her. What’s her last name? I might know her parents.”
“Uh, about that.” I said nervously, looking down at my plate. “I haven’t asked her yet. I know, I know. That should be one of the most important things to know.”
My mom shook her head and started untying her apron. “Sage, you need to learn some manners. How can you not know her last name after talking to her for a month?”
I shook my head slowly in understanding. “I don’t know. She sometimes deflects the question I ask her, so I wasn’t sure if I was overstepping boundaries.” I stood up and laid my plate in the sink, glancing at the clock.
“Mom your shift starts in 10 minutes. You should head out before you’re late.”
My mom suddenly starts rushing, throwing her hair up and putting her shoes on.
“Shit I almost forgot I had a shift tonight. I’m gonna head out. Sage watch Layla. I’ll be back before your shift tomorrow.” She grabs Layla’s head to plant a kiss. “Goodnight my loves.” She grabbed her purse and ran out the door.
I sighed in relief; happy I was able to evade her questions a bit longer. I hate lying to her. That was the one thing I never liked doing. But the truth is, I didn’t know much about you. I knew your name, your hobbies, and your favorite sitting place. But I knew nothing of your family life, your last name, or even your favorite color.
I was shaken from my thoughts with a shout from Layla.
“Sage! Can we go play puppy princess after dinner? You can be the hero and save me!” She said, pointing her fork towards my face. I smiled lightly and nodded a yes.
Dillan, who are you?
______________________________________________
04/25/16
Love is weird to me. I’m inexperienced more than most boys my age. It confuses me to the point where I would ask my own mother for advice. I’m not sure if I could even call this love. I hardly know anything about you, but I feel like you know so much about me. That isn’t enough to consider love, is it?
The days I got to see you, I would sit, scared to mutter a word to you. And you would just continue reading, casting a glance at me every so often. It’s almost as if I approached you too quickly you would fly away like a bird. Your demeanor terrified me. As if you were always hiding a dark secret. Something I should never know. I look back to the past when I met you. I wish I could have kept you in a glass jar. To protect you from the real world.
“Hey Dillan.” I approached you and sat down beside you. I had just gotten off my shift, the sun was slowly setting. It would have been a romantic environment, if it weren’t for the questions, I was about to ask you.
You closed your book silently and peered towards me. You let out a shy smile. “Hey Sage. Did you just get off work?”
I nodded and jerked my head to your book. “Isn’t that the same book you’ve been reading for the past two weeks?” I don’t know much about books, but if I’m correct a 300-page book shouldn’t have taken you that long to read.
“Yes, it’s a lovely book. I like to take my time with such things.” I nodded my head slowly in understanding. Anxiety was prickling in my throat, making it hard to swallow. I had to prepare myself for the question.
You glanced towards the coffee that I was grasping. “Is that for me? What’s the flavor today?” You said, reaching your hands towards the warm cardboard cup. I hand it to you gingerly. “Chai latte today. I made it earlier, but the customer decided she didn’t want it. I kept it in the warmer for you.” You smiled warmly and brought the cup to your lips.
“Thank you, Sage. How was your shift? Deal with any crazy customers?” You said, sitting down on a nearby bench. I followed your pursuit, my mind swarming with anxious induced thoughts.
“Just the same ones I deal with every day. Like crazy Eddie.” I chuckled, sitting down next to you. You laughed along, kicking your feet out.
“How’s the family? Layla still being stir crazy as usual?” I nodded a yes. “It’s been hard since its spring break. I think she misses her friends. I’m getting tired of playing dress up you know.” You smiled, your eyes glittering in the shadows of the building.
We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Every once in a while, you took a sip of the coffee. I sighed. You narrowed your eyes towards me. It looked almost as if your eyes had turn into slits, quickly reminding me of the snake I had murdered. “What’s up? You can talk to me if you need to.” She laid the coffee down and rested her hand on her lap.
“I told my mom about you. She wants you to come over.”
The next movements were a blur. My memory was fuzzy, as if I was being held under the water for a second too long. You shook your head furiously. Your once beautiful emotionless face now was covered with an ugly scowl. This had happened before. The night I asked you if I could drive you home. I meant nothing behind this attempt, except to maybe know you better. But you insisted there was no need. And when I tried pursuing the thought more, the angrier you got. Why did you get so upset?
“Sage what did I say. I am not interested. I prefer my life where it is now. I don’t want to change anything.” You said, now standing up. My head drooped. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you, but I had to know why. Why you wanted nothing more to do with me then the occasional coffee.
“But why? She wants to know your last name. We have lived here our entire lives. Surely, she knows your parents. If she does, then it would make things so much easier. My sister also wants to-.” I was interrupted by a quick exclamation.
“Sage just shut up! I said no why don’t you just get it?” You turned your head away from mine, your head slightly pointed down. In a quick second, your shoulders started shuddering. It was like the first day I met you. When I come to try to comfort you. I held my hand out, with an attempt to clasp my hand on your shoulder. I could fix this. I could make you want to know more about me too. I just had to know who you were. Why you were so fickle, like a deer straying away from the road. Please, please, please. I muttered over in over in my head. Don’t run Dillan.
Right when my hand met your shoulder, you jerked away heaving. Your eyes were wide, as if you saw a ghost. That expression. You feared me? I never hurt you, why would you give me that look?
Before I could ask these questions, you jumped away suddenly. You started sprinting towards the main road, unprotected feet pounding the grass in hard strides.
“Dillan wait!” I said, starting after you. How were you so fast, hell you had no shoes on. Adrenaline started pumping when you leaped onto the busy highway. I dodged a public bench, my head pounding with anxiety. I peered toward the onslaught of traffic, semis rushing past the roads. You were going to get hit. I scream and shouted, but you kept leaping towards the other side of the road. I stopped at the edge of the road, peering towards you. You managed to dodge all oncoming traffic, even though none of them slowed down at your sight.
When the last semi passed, you were no longer in sight. You seemingly vanished into the heavily forested area. At least you didn’t get hit, that’s all that I cared about.
“Hey, get away from the fucking road you idiot.” A passenger in a heavy truck shouted. I was met with a face full of a liquid. He had thrown his cup out the window.
I sighed, wiping my face off with my sleeves. I tore myself from the side of the highway, figuring I should just head home and get cleaned off. There was no point in chasing after you. You were impossible to find, almost like our entire relationship was based on the game of hide and seek.
I walked back towards the café, blood still rushing through my ears. My beaten down Honda stayed parked on the less busy side of the road. I made a movement towards it when something caught my eye. There sat beneath the tree where you usually wait was your book. Instead of jumping in my car and heading home, I rushed over towards the tree. I picked up the book, letting my hand dance over the cover. My fingers hovering over the dips and grooves of the title, tracing them slightly. This is your favorite book. I smiled warmly at the thought of my hands holding the same book you once held. I would just have to wait until I saw you again to return the treasure that is your book.
I started towards my car again. Carefully, I placed the book in the passenger side seat and hoped in the driver’s seat. I started the ignition, headed home bound. My head bounced with the idea of returning the book to your imaginary house. You would great me with warm hands in those dreams.
I never saw you again after that day.
______________________________________________
07/17/2016
I returned home that same night you disappeared. It was almost as if everything was a dream. I had walked into the kitchen and was greeted by my mom making a batch of lemonade.
“Hi honey, welcome home from work. How was your shift today?” She said, wiping her hands off with a kitchen cloth.
(This story continues below.)
I smiled back at her and headed towards my room. “It was okay. I did have a misunderstanding with Dillan though. But I’ll clear it up with her when I see her again.” I shifted towards my nightstand, opening up the bottom drawer. I placed the book along with some batteries and post cards from my late father. A perfect place to store the treasure. I check that drawer every morning. I never wanted to think I would forget about my father.
“Oh no, what happened today? I hope I didn’t cause any problems.” She shouted towards me, peering through my doorway. Worry and confusion flashed through her eyes, making me avoid eye contact with her. I didn’t want to disappoint her.
I quickly shut the drawer and walked back towards the kitchen. Pulling a chair out from the table, I sit, waiting for the warm food to be placed in front of me. “Don’t worry mom, I’ll sort it tomorrow. Hopefully anyways. She just got overwhelmed, I think. I asked her some questions and I think I scared her off.”
Layla comes running through the doorway with a stuffed animal more than half of her size. It laid drooping as she dragged it across the kitchen floor. She greeted me with a big hug, dropping the forgotten toy along the way.
With short chit-chats and one-way sentences, we set the table in preparation for dinner. Layla wasn’t much help, frequently dropping silverware, but she liked to think she was helpful. We had finally finished, just in time for dinner to be done. The boiling pot of mac and cheese was hissing in short bursts. Like a snake.
Something ticked in my head, almost like a light switch being turned on. It was unnoticeable at first, but as we continued eating the ticking got louder and louder. I had dropped my fork on my plate, staring past my mother.
“Sage, what’s wrong? You’re going to scratch my china with that careless-.“ She had started mumbling. No, I couldn’t hear her anymore. All I could hear was the hissing, the ticking in my brain. The image of the dead lifeless snake appeared on my hot plate. I can see its body still writhing in pain. Blood was scattered on the table and plate. The snake had looked at me, its eyes narrowing towards mine. Dillan. It’s Dillan’s eyes. The snake’s eyes had turned a hue of green, and almost human eyes peered at me. Startled, I jumped back from the dining table, a feeble attempt to escape the noises escaping the writhing body. My hands shot up to my ears, firmly placed to block out any noise. It didn’t help, I could still hear the ticking, the hissing, the confused mumbles. I still saw the Dillan’s green orbs whenever I closed my eyes.
I was met with a violent shaking upon my shoulders. “Sage! Sage snap the hell out of it. What the hell is wrong with you?” I opened my eyes to see my mother staring back at me, confusion and worry clouded her vision. I removed my hands from my ears, still shivering in my seat. I looked down at my plate. The dying snake was no longer there.
“What... But, where did it go? The snake mom, I had killed it.” She glanced back towards the table then glanced towards me again. “Honey, there is no snake. What are you talking about? Do we need to go to the hospital?”
I shook my head, my hand slowly resting back to the table. Nodding, I stood up, my mom followed my movements. Her arms still sat on my shoulders. “No, it’s okay. I think I just need to go to sleep. I must be tired. Today was a long day.” Still shocked, I stood up and walked to my room. My mom’s eyes still followed me as I closed my door behind me. Sleep was all I could think about. I could still hear a faint hum in the back of my head.
I laid my head down on my pillow softly, letting the sound of the humming lure me to sleep.
I was soon flanked with nightmares. One was with the snake, releasing its revenge on me with endless fury. Bite marks etched my body in length. It laid in the corner, its eyes flashing a light green through. I felt poison coursing through my veins. It coiled into a tight ball, menace piercing me through its cold eyes. I held my arm close to my body. Blood seeped out through the bite wounds, splattering the tile floors.
The snake then emerged out from the dark corner. The skinny body sliding across the floor in quick strides. As it lurked closer and closer, its body started stretching and warping. It morphed into you, Dillan. Its long body shaping into legs, arms, and eventually, your face. A sly smile soon spread across its face. Your face. I cowered in fear as you approached me, your arms extended out in an attempt to grasp me. Your tongue snaked out as you let out a breathy hiss.
“No, no, no!”
I wake up.
